Money & The Shame Game

I have a confession.  I battle with shame a lot.  It is in my life and in yours by our very nature.  My girl crush, Brene’ Brown has spent her career as a “shame researcher” and makes some amazing observations on the topic.  I was listening to a recent Podcast of hers and realized that shame can have real control on our personal finances.  If you’re having a hard time seeing any connection here, stay with me.  I think you will get it by the end of this blog.

According to Brene’, shame is defined as the intensely painful fear or belief that we are flawed or unworthy of love, belonging and connection.  It is the fear that we have done something or failed to do something making us unworthy of connection.  Brene’ believes it lives in all the major areas of our lives including money.  I had to ponder that for a bit when I heard those words, and really contemplate whether I agree with her premise.  But then it hit me - social rejection and physical pain trigger the same area of the brain according to advances in neuroscience. Therefore, if shame is built on social rejection, let’s think on the notion of social acceptance in our society these days and how much of that “acceptance” is viewed in light of our physical possessions and therefore our personal finances. Connection made!  If we are taught to believe we are accepted in society, that we are worthy and loved and that we belong in part due to the house we live in, the car we drive, the clothes we wear, etc it is a logical connection then that our money is a source of our own belief of our acceptance or lack thereof. 

I can attest – “been there, done that”.  I spent years, make that a decade, living the lie that my wardrobe, my ability to dine at certain restaurants, and the car I drove all spoke to my identity and my value to society.  I put on the front that those money-based components of my life would drive connection, love and belonging.  I believed the lie so much, that I found myself swimming in debt, fearful to seek help, and convinced I could not change.  On top of that, I was just coming out of a divorce where I had been beaten over and over again with a huge amount of guilt as a Catholic mom of 3 kiddos.  This further eroded my sense of belonging, love, and worthiness.  If anyone was playing The Shame Game during that time, I was. 

Here was the worst part.  I had no idea what was happening.  I had a background in finance and held down a great corporate job, but I could not see the numbers in my own life clearly enough to realize I had a problem.  To add fuel to the fire my shame kept me from really pulling the covers back to look at my life.  It was so much easier to just bury my head in the sand and pretend the problem was not there. 

And I was miserable.  At a time of earning the highest salary in my entire career, I was extremely stressed.  My high paying job just was not paying for the lifestyle I was pretending to live.  I was so blinded by the shame I could not see the writing on the wall or light of the train headed my way.  I just had this sense that if I kept up this perception of a well-oiled consumer, I would be worthy of love and connection.  I spent money on all the things I thought would bring that connection to me regardless of whether it was in my account or sitting as “available credit” on any one of my 10 credit cards at the time.  It was so bad I often went above the credit limit telling myself it would be ok with my next paycheck when I’d make up the difference.  News flash – that NEVER happened.

In some ways my spending habits were an effort at therapy for a broken heart.  But that was only a small piece of what I was battling.  I was fighting the overwhelming and stifling shame of my failed marriage and my inability to manage my own finances. It became a vicious cycle. 

Good news! There is a happy ending.  With the help of some amazing people who cared deeply about me, a reborn faith, and an intense recovery program, I was able to break away from the Shame Game.  Here is how it went for me though.  I woke up one morning to a call from my landlord about a rent checked that bounced.  It was not a fun conversation.  I heard her use the word “eviction” and I realized in that moment I had to make some massive changes to how I was living my life.  I worked hard for my income and I finally realized my income was the only thing that was going to get me out of the mess I was in.  So, I dug in, informed myself and started to understand the things I needed to do.  Shame was still present as I began to dig myself out.  But with each small accomplishment, I felt the shame break away little by little.  I surrounded myself with people who would encourage me and love me and help me feel connected, all the while beginning to live on budget, tearing up the credit cards, and working to create new habits in myself that fed a sense of hope. 

If you are battling against the grip of shame and it is impacting your finances, rest assured you can break away. You can change your financial situation.  Most importantly, know that your finances, good, bad or just ok, are not a value statement of you.  Everyone is worthy of love, connection and belonging.  It is through those very affects that we can battle shame and keep it in check.  Do I still feel the Shame Game lure me in?  Absolutely.  But I have an awareness now of what it feels like, can identify it and deal with it more quickly.   That awareness allows me to pull out my armor, battle against it and put shame in its place.  The habits I have now engrained in my life help me avoid feeling shame in my personal finances.  These habits include budgeting, avoiding impulse purchases and saying no to being a victim of marketing onslaughts.  My value, my connection, my worthiness, and love all come from who I am, not from what I spend or don’t spend. 

For more information on how you can identify shame in your life, how it lives in us inherently and how to guard against it, check out any of the Brene’ Brown podcasts on the subject. She has done some amazing research which indicates we can clearly identify the physical signs of shame and work to keep it under control.  To learn more about how engaging a Personal Financial Coach can help you do battle against the evils of shame in your financial practices, email me or set up a consultation on my website.  I’d be honored to walk that journey with you toward a life free from playing the Shame Game with your money.