Resilience
When you hear someone use the word resilience, what do you think of? Have you ever heard someone described as resilient? Maybe you’ve heard children described as being resilient? Does resilience have any connection to a person’s character or faith? Are resilience and hope related? I started pondering these questions recently and began to reflect on my own journey toward a hopeful and resilient life and realized there may be some valuable insights to share.
Understanding what resilience is will help us when we are faced with challenges on our jobs, in our homes, in relationships and definitely with our money. The most practical definition of resilience that I have found comes from the work of Dr. Ruby Payne and Philip E. DeVol. They explain it this way, “the ability to achieve in the midst of adversity is called resilience”. Simple, right? But how do we push forward and keep going when we feel like we’re facing an enormous mountain or solid brick wall?
This topic has been the subject of many in the research field. There are tons of articles out there if you’re super curious and some are super scientific. Those aren’t for me. But I did find a few golden nuggets on resilience that make a lot of sense, are easy to comprehend, and can be applied in my life and maybe yours.
You may already know, but Brené Brown is a favorite of mine. In her book, Rising Strong, Brené examines resilience and concludes that resilient people “…recognize the power of emotion and they’re not afraid to lean into discomfort”. Here’s where I go with this: “Wait a second Brené! What you’re saying is that to embrace resilience I need to be ok with emotion and actually welcome and be ok with being uncomfortable for a while?” That does not sound like something I want to do. But then, I look back over my own journey and realize she is spot on. When my life was in turmoil it would have been easy to walk away from difficult relationships, writing them off as something of the past. At that time it would have been easy to continue the over spending life style I had become accustomed to, keeping my head in the sand just to keep my shame and loneliness at bay. What was hard was understanding why I was so miserable and what my role was in that situation. Let me tell you, that sucked! However, remember the blog on hope and my expression that hope is built on a belief that things will be different? It was hope that supported me through the tough work to repair relationships and fix my financial situation once and for all. It was so worth it.
Another likeminded source on this topic is Dr. Cal Crow, the co-founder and Program Director of the Center for Learning Connections. Dr. Crow found the following attributes common in resilient people. First he claims resilient people have a positive image of the future. Hmm, sounds a bit like hope doesn’t it? Second, resilient people have solid goals and a strong desire to achieve those goals. So, if you want to have financial freedom in your life, it’s going to take SMART goals to get you there. Third, he believes resilient people are empathetic and compassionate BUT, and this is important, they don’t waste time worrying what others think of them. In other words, they maintain healthy relationships without bowing to peer pressure. If you feel the peer pressure of spending money you don’t have, don’t give in! Finally, resilient people never think of themselves as victims.
So many of the wonderful people I coach come to me and express regret for where they are financially. We work hard to focus their sights on the future instead of the past and to emphasize how critically important it is to create not only goals but a plan to meet those goals. When we are in a place of financial chaos or even relational chaos, that thing called shame comes creeping in and we can get buried with concern about what others think of us. And, we can easily look at ourselves as victims in some way. I did. I spent way too much time in exactly that space. I blamed everything and everyone but myself for my divorce and the consequences of it. The divorce, which again, I blamed on my ex-husband, extended family, my trauma as a child, etc, was the only reason my finances were so messed up. That’s the lie I told myself for almost a decade. When I finally turned the corner and decided none of that mattered then and only then I found the strength to lean into my emotions, be uncomfortable and start acting like the resilient person I wanted to be.
Ok, great. All of that sounds good, but how do we move toward resilience if we’re not there right now. The website Mindtools.com suggests 10 ways to move toward resilience. I’ll list them in simple format but if you want more details check out their website.
1. Learn to relax.
2. Practice thought awareness or positive thinking
3. Edit your outlook – change the way you think about negative situations
4. Learn from your mistakes and failures
5. Always choose your response or reactions
6. Maintain perspective
7. Set yourself some goals
8. Build your self -confidence
9. Develop strong relationships
10. Be flexible
I listened to a podcast this past week where the guest was a survivor of a Nazi concentration camp. Her story of trauma was intense. If anything is “big T trauma” that is. She “lived” in Auschwitz for over a year as a young teenager. She watched as her mother walked into a gas chamber. She survived all of that and still does not call herself a victim. She identifies herself as a survivor and talked about how vitally important that is to her. But she readily admitted her resilience did not just happen. She had to work at it and still must work at it every single day.
Back to the questions I began pondering let’s do a quick recap. Are resilience and character or faith connected? I don’t believe so. It is action that comes from resilience and that can happen regardless of your character or faith perspectives. Are resilience and hope related? Absolutely! I believe hope is a requirement for resilience. Without hope, why bother? Why do the hard work to embrace the emotions and lean into discomfort? So, do the work. Lean into the discomfort. Be ok with falling and standing back up again. Do it over and over. You will find yourself facing any adversity knowing you can achieve through it, and that is resilience.
