Hope
I am a big Brené Brown fan. I’ve read most of her books, watched her TedTalks and subscribe to her Podcasts. In her “Unlocking Us” Podcast, she ends each episode asking her guest(s) what she calls, “Rapid Fire” questions. The questions are simple but the answers create some interesting final dialogues. One of those questions is “What’s on your nightstand”. Well, Brené, if you asked me what was on my nightstand, I’d share that I have this ratty, tear and makeup stained, priceless pillow where the word “Hope” is beautifully stitched across. It is a simple thing, but an absolute rock in my life’s story. The pillow was given to me in my darkest time. I had lost my marriage, my family, my sense of what life was all about, my connection to God, my financial footing and most importantly my confidence and belief in myself. This pillow was given to me by my two sisters, and I don’t know if they have any idea to this day what this pillow meant to me then and now. It’s not the fabric or the lace that covers the pillow itself that make it priceless to me. Instead, it is that one simple and oh so powerful word, Hope, that eventually pulled me out of the living grave and into a life filled with joy, love, self-respect and confidence.
Recently I began to ask myself,” Why is hope so important?” What was it that allowed me to move from wanting to throw that pillow out a car window going 80mph down the interstate when I first received it to now cherishing its significance? How is hope found and what relationship do habits have to hope? Most of us have heard stories of elderly couples who die within hours of each other and theirs is a story of hope ended. If you’ve never heard of the famous John Hopkins research on rats and hope, look it up. It is gruesome but points out the significant role hope plays when survival is at stake. (Dr. Curt Richter, 1950s) My focus on hope is on how we can use it to drive important change in our lives.
In my nonscientific mind, hope is fueled with belief. When we believe in something we have hope. Hope gives us the power to change. It may be changing an outcome, or ourselves. In her book “Know Yourself, Know Your Money”, Rachel Cruz describes hope as one of the “most powerful, compelling, driving forces on earth…Hope is believing your actions will create a positive outcome.” Notice her definition talks about action. To sit back and say we “hope” our lives change without doing anything about it, is not really hope; it is instead a wish. Far too many people miss this when they get stuck. When it comes to personal finances, I’ve heard people say things like “I feel like my circumstances will never change and that I’ll always be in debt, so why should I sacrifice and stop spending?” Or sometimes couples will not believe their future can look different because one party in the relationship makes poor decisions or is unwilling to change. In either case, these types of statements indicate they don’t believe they can take any action themselves to bring about a different result.
There is always action to be taken when we really desire a change. With the desire to change and the action needed, there is likely a resistance too. Usually, change that matters is the hardest to do. We typically don’t wake up one day, exclaim we want to run a marathon and start our running marathon distances immediately. We must work up to it. We must work into creating the habits that ultimately sustain our bodies to run 26.2 miles. At the same time, we must believe we can do it and that belief stirs the hope that we will complete the race.
Your hope might be met with some typical resistance and that is to be expected. If you believe you can live a life free of debt, you may very well find those people in your life who simply shun that debt free lifestyle and may want to keep you as chained to debt as they are. They may go so far as to tell you credit cards and balances on those cards are a must have in life. They are wrong. They were wrong when they told me that and for far too long I believed them. I did not believe I could ever get out of debt so why hope for a debt free life? Seriously, there was a day when I had that infamous pillow in my hand as I grabbed my keys and headed for my car (the car I owed far too much on at the time). I was ready to hit Highway 101 in Phoenix where I lived at the time and chuck it as far into the desert as I could. But something stopped me and I pushed through that resistance to believing, walked the pillow back to my bedroom closet and decided to get serious about my debt.
For the person thinking of going to college or having kids who will one day consider higher education, there will definitely be many who will tell you college requires student loans. They may even laugh off the belief you have in getting a higher education without borrowing your future away. They too are wrong. It isn’t easy to use cash to get a college degree, but it can be done and will be so worth it on graduation day knowing you won’t be spending years paying for your diploma or the diploma your kid just had handed to them.
Psychology Today posted an article on their website in 2011 titled “The Will and Ways of Hope”. They have a similar take on hope, albeit a bit more pragmatic. Their assertion is that hope needs “agency and pathways”. What that means is we need to be able to make changes and we need multiple ways to do so. This distinction is important to consider that when we talk about hope for everyone. Due to extreme poverty or disability some people may not have the ability to change circumstances (agency) or they may have only one pathway to do so and that pathway or choice may not be the best for any number of reasons. We who are privileged enough to have agency and pathways, should be doing our part to support those who don’t and lift them out of that set of circumstances. Sorry, side rant there that just needed to be said.
Here’s the deal. Hope is not just some wistful concept that evokes moments of singing Kumbaya around a campfire. It is vitally important to keep us moving forward and a required component of any change process we find ourselves embarking on. When my life was a hot mess in almost every category it felt as though nothing would ever change. I would be on my own without a partner for the rest of my life. I would be shunned by my children forever. I let “friends” tell me to live the life I wanted because I deserved it and so not spending like a mad woman just didn’t seem possible. At about the same time I received that cherished pillow, I also found outside help to work on my agency and pathways. I didn’t know that was what I was doing at the time, but I do now. As I began to see that I did have choices and I could make changes and took accountability for what I could do, the belief came to reside within me and hope flourished.
And, a funny thing about hope. It seems to stick with you. Once you have it you begin to weave it into everything you do and it soon becomes a new way of living. I now have financial freedom to live a comfortable life doing exactly what I want to do. I have my family back as well as my confidence and self-respect. Believe that you can change. Tell yourself hope is vital. Dig deep and understand why it’s not present for you if that is your situation. Reach out to a friend, relative or coach to help you see your agency and pathways today. Just don’t ever throw Hope out the window.
