When Fear Shows Up
Last time we talked about being stuck in decision making and using the WISE approach to move forward. This time, I want to dive into why we get stuck. While there may be many reasons for feeling stuck, I believe we become stuck when fear shows up. Considering this I began to dive into what fear is, how it impacts our lives, what the common fears are in managing our money and found some suggested ways to push through the fear so that we can live our best life possible.
Let’s begin by looking at the definition of fear. Merriam-Webster defines fear (noun) as (1) an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger, (2) anxious concern, (3) profound reverence and awe especially toward God or (4) reason for alarm. It seems fitting that these definitions are listed in order of urgency and extreme. Starting with awareness of danger, all the way to a reason for alarm. The fear associated with danger is not what I want to focus on today. If anyone finds themselves in that category of fear, please stop reading and get emergency help right now.
What I do want to focus on are those lower-level fears such as concern, and reason for alarm. Those are the fears that can stop us in our tracks when we are faced with decision making. Those are the fears that hold us back and keep us from living a full and abundant life. Those fears, if allowed to run rampant in our lives can have long lasting impacts on our circumstances and our health. According to the University of Minnesota’s Health and Wellness website, fear weakens our immune system and can cause cardiovascular damage, gastrointestinal problems such as ulcers and irritable bowel syndrome, and decreased fertility. It can lead to accelerated aging and even premature death.
According to the website VeryWellMind.com, fear can come from very real or imagined threats. I have a three year old granddaughter. It is uncanny how she can remember her dreams. She recalls good and bad dreams in incredible detail and most importantly she can talk about them. Just in the past week or so she has developed a sense of fear from a dream she had. In her dream there is an evil creature, whom she refers to as “creepy thing” who, ok hold on here, flushes her down the toilet. I know, it’s funny in some ways, but to her it is terrifying! Interestingly, in her dream she is ok after being flushed and tells “creepy thing” that his actions were not nice and he needs to leave! Here is the problem though, she now has a fear of going into a bathroom in her own home without someone accompanying her. This was far from reality before when she would insist on going by herself because she was, well, you know, a “big girl”. That big girl now has a perceived fear of something unwanted causing discomfort for her.
The fears that cause us to get stuck in making important decisions can be as imagined as my granddaughter’s bad dream and have just as much impact on our lives. They can create a change in something we would find normal outside of that perceived fear. And when it comes to decisions that impact our money, those fears can have long lasting impacts.
Rachel Cruz, in her book, Know Yourself, Know Your Money, outlines what she calls the Six Major Money Fears. They include;
1. Fear of not having enough
2. Fear of not realizing my dreams
3. Fear of not being capable
4. Fear of external forces (the system is against me)
5. Fear of past mistakes
6. Fear of repeating the past. (mine or someone I know)
Looking back on my journey with money, I can say I’ve had every single one of those fears at some point in time and they still show up in my life on occasion now. Before I understood the power of these fears they would often catapulted me into a pattern of indecisiveness. Now that I am more aware of where they are coming from, I can better process them, but it is a journey. If I allow myself to imagine a life where I don’t have enough, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If I am fearful I don’t have enough time to realize my dreams, I will probably be hesitant to take action to move them forward. If I fear I don’t know enough about money, I will hide in shame and won’t seek help. If I let my poor decisions of the past predict my future, I will never make any progress and become stuck in analyzing potential choices. If I have role models out there who did not make WISE decisions and consequently are struggling, it is very easy to project that fate upon myself.
So what do we do? How do we get past these fears, whether real or perceived? We use 3 tools to move ahead.
1. Name It
2. Focus on Truth
3. Reach out for Help
Let’s work through an example. Imagine I’m struggling with saving. I struggle because I am stuck in the fear of believing I will never have enough. I need to Name It. I need to name it to myself, friend, relative, spouse, or just write it down in terms that I can relate to. It might sound something like “I am fearful of saving because I don’t believe I’ll have enough to make any difference in my future”. Now I need to focus on Truth. What truth filled statements can we hold onto that allow us to move past this fear? Maybe they sound something like, “anything saved is better than nothing”, or “start somewhere”. Maybe I can lean into a truth that includes a visual tool to help me focus on why I am saving and monitor my saving progress. I have many clients who have used a drawing of a house or new car and they color in or mark off their progress toward that goal. They keep that visual where they will see it often to remind them of why they are working hard to save. Focusing on the truth will always get you moving in the right direction.
Finally, reaching out for help will keep you accountable and encouraged all at the same time. This help might be a person or a thing. It could be a Personal Financial Coach or it could be a trusted friend or mentor in your life. It might even be a book or a podcast that provides truth and wisdom to you on a recurring basis. Just remember to avoid the mistake of fear-based isolation.
I don’t believe these tools need to be done in the order listed. For instance, when I think more about my 3 year old granddaughter and her new fear of “creepy thing”, had she not named it and reached out for help, she might have never had the ability to focus on the truth. Don’t get stuck in the order of the tools but do remember to use all 3 tools to overcome your fears around your money. I want to be careful to make sure it is clear that these fears don’t necessarily go away in an instant. It is a process to remove money fears from our lives. As Rachel Cruz says, “The way to overcome fear isn’t to act tougher. The way to overcome fear is to be vulnerable. The way to overcome fear is for it to be known.” When it becomes known, it no longer has the same control over us. When something other than ourselves exerts control in our lives, it can keep us from making decisions. Don’t let that derail your dreams. Doing this is hard, but we can do hard things and doing hard things pushes us toward the life we were created to live.
